Devastation

While I was out of town, Scully got away from her petsitter and was killed by a car. I am so filled with grief it's hard to even type that. But I'm back in Philadelphia after sobbing on a flight all day and my apartment is empty and I can barely breathe. My friends are incredible-- the one who had the misfortune to be with me when I got the call, and the ones who descended on my apartment when I came back, who had rescheduled every meeting I had for the rest of the weekend without me even asking, and who immediately removed everything that was still here that reminded me of what I lost. They also took me out of this apartment so I wouldn't have to be here. But I had to come back. When I open the front door to my building, I see the stairs that lead to my apartment. She would run up those stairs so excited, always thinking we were coming back for a meal. If I let her go and didn't run after her, she'd stop halfway up the stairs and turn to look at me, wondering what the holdup was.

I think about the amazing two months I had with her, and I just wish there was anything I could do to change what happened. I can't help but think that if I was here, none of this would have happened. But I can't think that way, I know. I just wish that I could have protected her more, given her a longer life. She was so special.

I miss the way she used her front legs as arms, swatting at things, climbing, even the way she put them together to hold on to a toy. I miss the way she would climb up to get as close as possible to my face so she could kiss me hello every time I came home. I know all puppies are great and cute, but I know she was special. People in the neighborhood and the dog park would neglect their own dogs to play with her. Her obedience school teacher clearly singled her out in every class even though she was far from the best pupil. But she was learning so much, and I felt like we had come so far from those first days when I had no idea what I was doing and she was just as clueless. She sat as often as possible, largely because she knew it led to a treat. She was going outside almost always. She was even getting the hang of 'leave it', the command to get her to stop eating any of the million pieces of garbage the people of philadelphia leave on the streets.

I wish more of you could have met her. I know it's stupid, but the pictures did not do her justice. She was honestly the friendliest cutest puppy I have ever seen.

I know a lot of you will want to call me, because you are great and I love you. I really am not up for talking about this yet, so please know that I appreciate your support but I can't really handle anything right now. I will be with my family this week, unfortunately not letting them get to know her and letting her have her first California experience. But I know I will be fine.